Child Loss,  Sibling Loss,  Stillbirth,  Uncategorized

Child Loss: The Day Heaven Became Real


I grew up going to Sunday School and reading the Bible and hearing stories about how great heaven was — no tears, no sickness, no night.  It sure did sound good to me, but it didn’t sound real.  In fact, a lot of nights I’d lay in bed and worry about dying.  I wondered if there really was a place called heaven or if it was just a made-up story — a fairytale told to make kids be good at night and fall asleep quicker.  “Dream of how happy heaven will be.  Just close your eyes and think about heaven.  You’ll fall asleep before you know it.”

When my thirteen-year-old sister died tragically, my world fell apart.  Literally.  Our family fell apart.  Literally.  And, suddenly God didn’t make sense any more.  How could a God who is good and who is so full of love allow a little girl to choke to death because her lungs wouldn’t allow enough air to go in?  We prayed, but God didn’t answer.   I wish I could say that my heart only knew the horrific pain of child loss this one time while growing up, but that isn’t so.  When I was around twelve a phone call came to our house and I remember my mom screaming, “Oh, God!  No!”,  and she fell onto the floor yelling she needed help.  I didn’t know what was going on, but I soon found out.

My cousin — the one I played with every weekend at my Grandmother’s house, had fallen out of an apple tree in his back yard.  It was being called a “freakish accident.”  These things just don’t happen.  But, the truth is he died.

And, my heart grew more afraid and more confused.  I didn’t know what to think about this God of heaven and earth.  He made no sense at all.

A few years later, while sitting around my Grandmother’s table eating Sunday lunch after church her phone began ringing.  Normally she wouldn’t answer the phone during a meal, but for some reason this time she walked over to the phone and picked it up.

I can still see my Grandmother standing there frozen.  She didn’t move.  She didn’t say a word.  She only listened.  And, when the person on the other end of the line was finished talking, she hung up the phone, looked us straight in the eyes and said, “Your cousin Raymond is dead.  He went out on a boat in the middle of the lake and killed himself.  Nobody knows why.”

And, that is when the fear inside of me began swallowing me alive.  I no longer trusted life.  Why should I?  I continued to take my little sister to church each week.  My mom and dad had quit going a long time ago.  I don’t know why I went — searching for some kind of answers, I guess.

Time has a way of quieting our spirit and allowing us to find a new way to live and that’s what happened to me.  I got married and began a family of my own, and the raw pain of my sister’s death and the deaths of my two cousins finally quieted so that I could enjoy the beauty of my family.

Then,  when I least expected it, the unthinkable happened.  I had made bargains with God early in life that I would live a good life — a life that served Him — if only He would answer one prayer.  “Please, dear God.  Don’t ever take one of my children.”

God didn’t keep His end of the bargain.  My Samuel died and so did a large part of me.

For months after Samuel’s death my world that was once happy and carefree started spinning out of control.  I didn’t know who I was, and worse yet, I didn’t know who God was and I really didn’t care.  After all, we had a pact.  A promise.  I held up to my end of the bargain as best I could, but God had abandoned me the day He let Samuel die.

Samuel’s death was the ultimate blow to my heart.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t sleep.  Most moments I didn’t want to live.  I cried constantly, and found no peace.

Sometimes when we least expect it, miracles happen, though.  And, that is just what happened to me!  While having a total meltdown one day — screaming and crying and saying very angry things to God — I realized my eyes were so swollen from crying that it wasn’t safe for me to continue driving.  About that same time, I heard the loudest clap of thunder I’ve ever heard in my life and it was as though the sky opened wide and began pouring buckets upon buckets of rain.

What a sight!  I was pulled off on the side of the road screaming as loud as the thunder and crying as hard as the rain.  My heart was broken and the storm I felt inside of me was a mere reflection of how broken I felt.

While sobbing loud sobs that didn’t even sound human, the miracle began to unfold.  As I watched the sky, the rain stopped just as quickly as it began.  And, then I saw it.  I really saw it!

I saw a glimpse of heaven!

The sun began shining so brightly that it hurt my tear-drenched eyes.  And, then the most glorious of all rainbows stretched across the sky just as if the mighty hand of God was placing it there for me to see.

And, then…..the most beautiful dawning of the sun with dancing sunbeams all around.  I watched in awe as I saw two puffy white clouds meet in the shimmering blue sky.  One looked like a teddy bear and the other cloud took on the formation of a man in a robe with outstretched arms.

I watched as the man in the clouds embraced the small teddy bear and they were swept away by the dancing sunbeams in the sky.

That is the moment — the very moment that heaven became real.  God allowed me to catch a glimpse of what it was like when Carmella, Ronnie, Raymond, and Samuel were carried off to heaven by an angel of God.

Yes, heaven is very real to me and I can only imagine what a great reunion it’s going to be when I meet up with my sister, my cousins, and my precious little boy in heaven!

I wish I could say that never again did I experience a tearful meltdown, but that isn’t true.  I’ve had many more occasions when my tears wouldn’t stop flowing.  It hurts to lose a child!  It hurts more than anything in the entire world, so my tears fall often. And, they always will.

But, never since my meeting with heaven have I questioned the existence of heaven.

Heaven is real.  Heaven remains my hope.  Heaven became real the day my child went there!
Heaven became real

Thank you for reading my story of when heaven became real to me. I hope this has encouraged you in some way as you walk this difficult journey of child loss. I welcome your comments on this blog. In fact, I cherish your comments! As we share, we will grow together and we will be encouraged!



  • Magda Lleras Saiz

    After reading some of your posts, I can’t help but to wonder how many times you looked up and saw the same cloud formations of angels with open arms?

    • Clara Hinton

      Magda, I’ve seen those same cloud formations many, many times. In fact, I saw them on Saturday. I actually pulled my car to the side of the road and stopped so I could watch in awe. It really takes my breath away!!!! So very encouraging to me!

  • t.rondomanski

    My grandfather passed away last week, and at his funeral, the reflections my grandmother had written were read. The words she shared only further confirmed what I had learned about heaven the day my baby passed away. I am so grateful she shared what my grandfather saw before he left this world. I blogged about it at

    I, like you, have always feared death. I always feared not being “good enough” for heaven.

    On the day my six-week old son left us, in my despair and anguish, I asked God to let me leave my baby in peace. He let me know that Silas was ok and was at peace. In that moment, heaven felt so very real, and, for the first time in my life, attainable for me…That one day I would be there with my baby. In my most broken state, I felt God’s presence with me for the first time, though I’ve believed in Him my whole life. I’ll never forget that my baby was braver than I, for he embraced heaven and going home, for he was so freshly heaven sent, while I’ve been so afraid of what I don’t remember.

  • Jean

    Everything you have wrote are feelings and experiences I have had. I never hear from friends any more. I don’t even hear from my own family! They are in another state but a phone call would be nice yet I don’t hear from them. It’s been almost seven months since my daughter and granddaughter were killed. I have no family where I live. I came to where I am because of my daughter and granddaughter. My one son is in the Navy and he and his wife live in California where he is stationed. My youngest is back in our home state. I was in a relationship. We had planned to grow old together but because we have lost so many friends besides family this year and both of us losing our jobs that it took a toll on our relationship. We’re still roommates, but I am alone now. I’m ready for God to take me. I just wish He would hurry up.

  • Nelda Smith

    I, too, have lost a son. He died approximately 7 hours after I gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him. He replied that he loved me. Those words were the last ones I would ever hear him speak. I have been accused of being angry with God, but I’m not. I was raised to believe that we only have a certain amount of time on this earth and that believe is what has kept me going. He left a young widow and 2 small boys, ages 3 and 7 months. Those 2 boys are grown now,but are loving and caring men. He also left 3 younger sisters. Yes, I miss my son, but I know that someday I will again see that beautiful smile and those eyes that can speak. I will admit that some days are better than others, and the holidays are not always happy ones for me. The bible says that God knows how many hairs we have on our heads and that he knew the moment we were conceived how long we would spend on this earth. We are put here for a purpose, even though we may not know what that purpose is. I like to think I was put here to raise 4 beautiful, hard working, caring children. Thank you for your story. Nelda

    • Clara Hinton

      Nelda, Thank you so much for sharing. As the years go on, we become somewhat “seasoned” in our grief journey. I believe God gives us a spirit that understands more of His love and we can see beyond the tragedies of life to the blessings of what is to come.

      I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son, but so glad that your final words to each other were words of love. What a beautiful remembrance!!!

      And, thank you so much for sharing your purpose with us. It’s reassuring to know that we can find purpose again after loss.

  • Maryrose Welch

    To my Christopher, forever 24, my heart still hurts so much. It will be 15 years this year since the accident that took you away from me. I cherish our last conversation merely hours before you were killed. Your last words, I love you mom, will always be with me. I was so very proud of you in every way. I cannot wait to see you again, to hold you and see those beautiful blue eyes and that sweet smile. I still have bad days and you are always on my mind. Your son has grown up to be quite the young man, so much like you. I know you are looking out for him. I now ask you to watch over your nephew, Tyler. He leaves this weekend for the Army. He recently got married and your picture was on every table at the reception. He told me, that night, grandma, I am going to live Uncle Chris’ dream. He so admired you and he has grown up to be such a great kid. Reminds me so much of you. I miss you so very much and always will. Until we meet again, all my love forever.

  • katie

    It has been 1 year 9 months since my son passed away and im still dying inside I work at a daycare and I’m constantly asked if my son goes there it’s so hard he would have been 4 this past week and I still have a hard time saying my son isnt here anymore. I just don’t care what happens I want to be with him.

  • Tanya Panasci Panko

    It has been very helpful to read your page. There are days I just can’t handle the sorroe so many others share. More often than not, though, it’s comforting to read your words and realize it was just what I needed to hear that day. The Lord leads us to what and who we need.
    Some signs aren’t as dramatic as yours…but they are there..ever so subtly.

    • Clara Hinton

      Tanya, You are so very correct! God leads us where we need to be — and that’s often done in ways we don’t understand. Rarely are “signs” dramatic. Most often we find our hope in the small things in life that suddenly hold so much meaning to us.

      Thank you so very much for your comment! I hope you continue to receive the encouragement you need for each day. I think we’re all looking for that — a bit of peace and a bit of encouragement to help us through life.

  • Diane Beasley

    My 16 year old son Bryan was killed by a drunk driver on July 22, 2000. I was so angry at God! It took me 8 years to “forgive” God. At times I am still a work in progress but for the most part I am able to smile and laugh and look up to the sky and see Heaven!

    • Clara Hinton

      Diane, I’m so very sorry for the tragic loss of your son Bryan. I’m certain that God understood your anger. If we can’t go to God honestly, where else can we go?

      We’re all a work in progress. I don’t think there’s a person alive who has it all together, or who has all of the answers about child loss. I’ve stopped asking “why” for the most part because I know that I’ll never get an answer — at least not one that makes sense to me in this life.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.

  • Tracey Shauger

    Thank you for your story. I hope to get my glimpse sooner rather than later. I keep searching. This pain is unbearable.

    • Clara Hinton

      Tracey, I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. Losing a child is horrible in every way and it often takes a long, long time to find even a small amount of peace.

      The more you seek God and your “glimpse of heaven”, the more heaven will be revealed to you. I honestly believe that. Keep asking and waiting. It will happen. I’m sure of it, and when it does you will find your moment of peace.

  • Jackie

    I wish I could fine that peace, my son was a Marine, he served 2 tours in Iraq and every time he left on a mission, I prayed to God to keep him safe and return him to me as he had left me. He did, each time he came back and i met him with open arms, a great big hug and lots of love and support so he would know we loved & cherished him. He served 8 yrs and came out a Sgt in October of 2011, he came home to be with us on December 3rd that year. He & I spent loads of time together and done things we hadn’t been able to do except off & on for so long. Then on January 22, 2012 at 2 am, we got that HORRIFYING call that said my son was dead! No signs of anything out of the ordinary wrong with him, but he decided he wasn’t worthy to live any more and put his 20 gauge shotgun under the left side of his jaw & pulled the trigger!!!!
    NOW, I ask God of all the times I prayed and prayed HARD for his safe return ONLY to let him die such a horrible dead and with such horrible thoughts that no one cared…..I have told God I’m mad with him, I’ve told Brandon I am mad with him and just down right stay mad at the entire world I guess……there was at least 10 or more people there that night and not one of them tried to save my son!!!! NOBODY offered to help him…..NOBODY!!!

    • Clara Hinton

      Jackie, I am so, so sorry. This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

      Sometimes we just don’t know what kind of brokenness others carry inside of them — including our children. What made your son decided to take his own life? Nobody will ever know for sure. He obviously had heavy things on his heart and mind that he didn’t want to share. He was protecting you, I’m sure.

      I’m so glad that you had spent so much time with him and that he knew without a single doubt how much you loved him. I wish I had the right words of comfort to give you right now that could help you find peace. But, we both know that losing a child is a long, difficult, painful journey.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you so much for having the courage to share. Your son will always be a hero — always! Nothing can take that title away from him!

    • Jean

      My heart goes out to you. I had fears My youngest would take his life. He found his dad dead in bed last March. Then his sister and niece killed in a car wreck in August. I thank God every day that he’s doing better. I just wish he lived closer. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine how you hurt.

      • Clara Hinton

        Jean, Thank you so much! Part of the reason I love blogging is because together we form a family of sorts where we can reach out and get support. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

        I’m so very sorry for all of the losses you’ve had in your life. We become somewhat paranoid when we experience loss — never again do we feel innocent about life.

  • Linda Powers

    I’ve had visions twice in my life. The first was a few years after I lost my Mom and Dad. Hate to say it but I didn’t really have a close relationship with my parents. They were alcoholics and we didn’t have much quality family time. My Dad died of cancer and my Mom took her own life shortly after. I shed very few tears. I was lying in bed one night and all of a sudden I saw bright blue and I saw my Mom and Dad go by on their boat. Last year I lost my 38 year old Son. A few months later as I was lying in bed I saw Heaven and God. I didn’t exactly know what I was seeing until I spoke to a Priest that had been shopping where I work. I explained to him what I saw. It was beautiful and the face I called the man in the moon. He said God paid me a visit because my Son loved me so much. He read my mind because my Son said I love you Mom all the time. I miss my boy so very much but I know he is ok. He suffered from mental illness I believe he inherited from my mother. As for people that think you don’t go to heaven if you take you’re own life…. I know better. I’ve experienced it. God doesn’t punish people.

    • Clara Hinton

      Linda, Thanks so much for your comments! God is often reveled to us in the most unusual ways. And that’s true for heaven, too. I think God allows us “glimpses of heaven” in order to seal our faith and so that we can experience some peace while on this earth.

      I’m so very for the loss of your son. What a wonderful revelation from God letting you know that your son is now okay. My thoughts are with you!

  • Daughter OfLourdes

    In June of 2011, three months after losing my only child, my daughter, to mental illness, I had a vision. I was in a “white” place: not a cloud, not fog, very hard to describe. I could hear my daughter talking and laughing in the “next room” as if sitting with others around a dining table. I could hear those others also. God spoke to me. He said, “You will be here but not yet. I require something from you.” My eyes shot open and a woman said my name loud and clear into my left ear. Not my right ear. As if she was sitting in the bed bending over me with her mouth to my ear.

    I have had many visions and signs since then. At age five, I had an NDE. I was warned about my life. I’ve known my entire life that something “cataclysmic” was going to occur and that God would not leave me to deal with it alone.

    Yes. Heaven is real. There is an “after life”. I know this without any hesitation. Our children are in paradise. Thank you for your site and your daily words, may you be blessed as you deserve.

    • Clara Hinton

      Dear Daughter OfLourdes, Thank you so very much for sharing the experience you had following the loss of your daughter. Sometimes these “visions” or “happenings” baffle us, but at the same time, they make the spiritual world seem so much more real. Heaven, especially, becomes something very tangible to us and we find great hope and peace when we believe in life after death.

      I appreciate your sharing your experiences with us! I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your daughter, your only child.

  • elizabeth whelan

    I read your stories every day .I lost my first child at2/1.2yrs old .then my daughter at 28yrs old from cystic fibrosis .that was when I started to give up .I don’t laugh or enjoy life any more .just sit and cry for hours .just wish the hurt would go away .thank you for your stories of encouragement .maybe they will help me to.

  • Lynn Herndon

    Thank you for sharing your experience as it was very much like mine. The first Easter Sunday after my son Michael was killed in a car crash, my husband and I were fishing at one of his favorite spots. we had made it a tradition to be on a lake at sunrise, and I could do nothing but cry as I was missing Michael being with us so much. That morning, the sky opened up so beautifully and the sunrise was amazing! I heard Michael’s words speaking to my heart, “You would not believe how beautiful the sunrise is from Heaven, Mom. If you think it is beautiful from down there, you can’t even imagine how beautiful it is from up here!” Right then, I knew he was OK and I could stop feeling like I needed to be with him. I knew at that moment that my God was taking care of my baby. I, like you, cannot say I have not had more moments of anger and anguish but now I can honestly say, I know I will be with him again and oh what a day that will be! When I look to the Heaven’s now it is always with a smile in my heart.

    • Clara Hinton

      Lynn, Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this message of hope and peace! I’m sure that many, many parents needed to hear this today!!!

      We still grieve the loss of our child, but now can do so knowing that one day we will meet up again in heaven.

      I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son Michael, but so thankful that you’ve been able to “hear” from Michael letting you know he is fine. It is my prayer that every parent would receive such a blessing!

  • Patti Turon

    Thank you for sharing your experience. God is faithful! God is good. He keeps his promises. Heaven has become even more real to me since my precious Steven went Home almost 2 years ago. As a believer since I was 19 years old, of course I have always believed in the place that Jesus was preparing for those who believe. When my Steven was 7 yrs old, he asked Christ to come into his heart. As shocked and devastated as I was the morning my grown son passed away (complications of surgery) I felt Jesus with me immediately, whispering his peace and letting me know that he was taking care of my of boy. I knew Steven was in God’s very presence. I knew God had to be holding on to me because otherwise I could not have been so calm. I always thought if something happened to one of my children, that I would be hysterical. God takes care of us. I remained in a fog and in shock for months. God has taken my family and I through each day. Heaven is even more the place I long to be. I know now more than I ever have, that this life is not that long and God desires to prepare us to go home one day. Grief over my child is the most difficult experience of my life. As you well know, the sadness is always there in our hearts. We go on as best as we can but we are never going to be the same. I thank the Lord and I thank you for Silent Grief! What a blessing you are. Your words comfort me and I know God speaks through you each day. What a needed outreach to those of us who need a place where we can visit and feel such compassion and acceptance of what we are facing. We relate to one another. This support means everything when you are grieving and missing your child and need to be with people who truly do understand. God’s blessings upon you and your family.

    • Clara Hinton

      Patti, Thanks so much for your comment. I think it does each of us so much good when we can hear from those walking this journey of loss that there is a level of peace we can find. As you said so beautifully, we’ll never get over the loss of our child, but…..when we hold the idea of “heaven” close to our hearts, we grieve in a different way. We miss our child with every fiber in us, BUT we know that our child is safe and secure and bathed in true love every minute of the day and night.

      I love this family we are forming. Life is so much better when we can offer support to one another.

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, but so thankful for the trust in heaven that holds you through the really bad days.

  • sunsetstormx

    I lost my Angela at age 25 from an overdose. I will never forget the feeling I had when Sarah my now 28 yo called me and screaming into the phone in sheer panic, “I think she’s dead Mom” over and over as I was flew into my car and drove to her apartment. Where she had found Angela in the bathroom laying on the floor at 6;30 in the morning. It was a weekday and like any other I was preparing for work. The most awful day in my life was followed by many more dark dark days of sadness. I sat in my room for months on end. Endured hearing things like, “God is going to use you in so many ways” “God took her to relieve her” etc. I became so hurt I could not even stand to be around people. That was over one year ago. For it was 2-7-13 that we lost our precious Angela. Prior to this I had 2 years before losing her or so walked on a different path than my walk with the Lord and was very far from Him (He was still there for me) and now having been drawn back, I cannot run from Him again. He has been faithful to carry me every step of the way through the deepest agony of my life. I cherish the wonderful daughter I have, Sarah Bailey, and we have one another. God is always right there. Call out to Jesus and give Him your life. He is the only way to hope, and peace.

  • Judy

    Clara as I read your story of the thunderstorm and the clouds, the rainbow I felt like I was reading my own words. (It’s on my daughter’s webpage) I did not see God but I did see heaven and at that exact moment a song came on the radio that I believe was a sign for me and after the song came the largest, most beautiful rainbow I’d ever seen.

  • Audrey Geddes

    Wow! What an amazing story. I am so touched and inspired by your post and will be sharing this with my friends and family :-). Reminds me of Joe Laws who also shared his personal experience in Heaven in his book, “Held By The Hand Of God: Why Am I Alive.” His story is confirmation that we will see our deceased families again. You can find Joe’s website here: – Thank you for giving us hope!

  • monica

    6mnths ago my baby boy of sixteen died in a bike accident…….the pain of his absence are unbearable….the reality of not seeing him for awhile is very hard..

    thank you for the oppurtunity to say something here bcause ònes own families forgets

  • Bonnie Lovitt

    I am the Nana to two beautiful boys. Keegan, who will be two this spring and Stephen who will always be four and a half. He gained his angel wings on December first, 2013, after a horrible disease, Leukodystrophy, was stronger than than him. He is my only child’s first born. He is our angel. I thought having two miscarriages in my earlier years was difficult, but the pain was nothing compared to watching my child lose her child. I write about my life on Facebook and I have found comfort from other struggling families. I will always be both heartbroken and blessed to have had Stephen in our lives. Bonnie Lovitt

  • Petra Pattillo

    I found your site 15 months ago my Son 22 of age dedicated to commit suicide it’s hard to understand why .he has 2 beautiful children which need him. I saw him that Day and all seemed ok and I got the phone call. 4th of July is never the same for me. I know it is hard to lose your child he still is my baby even if he took this way. We miss him a lot, but there is always the question in your head Why

  • Regina Castillo

    I’m angry!!! I’m angry that my 2 1/2 year old son died!!! I’m angry he left me, I’m angry god took him, I’m angry at the world, I’m angry I don’t have my baby, I’m angry my baby doesn’t have his mama!! Its been 6 months since he’s been gone and the pain is so fresh it feels like yesterday, but my heart yearns for him like its been a lifetime. I’m so broken, asking god every day when is it my time, is today my day I get to hold my baby??? Life just does not have the same meaning, even though I have other children!! Life is hard!!

  • Regina Castillo

    I’m angry my 2 1/2 year old son died! I’m angry he left me, I’m angry god took him from me, I’m angry at the world! I’m angry I don’t have him, I’m angry he doesn’t have his mama! I’m so deeply broken and don’t know where to go from here!! Every day I ask god when is it my time, is today my day I will hold my baby?? Life just doesn’t have the same meaning without him, even though I have other children! My other children keep me going, so for now day by day waiting very impatiently waiting to hold my baby!! Life is hard!!!

  • Catt

    I love you Clara. Thank you for saving my life. I found Jen and Judy and Melissa. I even met Judy in person. I’m so glad that I found support after my loss. I had 4 miscarriages from 2005 to 2008. I have 2 beautiful girls now. Geni and Bella. We’ve been married for 10 years.

  • Pearl

    I am a mom who lost a loving little boy. His name was Dylan. He was 6 years old. He ws diagnosed with an inoperable brain stem tumor. He had cancer in his spine from the tumor. He fought 9 months but lost his battle on November 5th. A big part of my life is missing, not a day goes by that I don’t thing of him and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I have 3 other kids, one is 24, one is 20, and the other is 10. Dylan was our youngest, life is unbearable a lot of the time but I have no choice but to keep on living until I am called home. Then I will be able to be with my baby boy.

  • lorna

    My son was 20 when he had a motorbike accident. I felt numb. Heartbroken and did not want to carry on. A week later I cried myself to sleep. I dreamt that night. It felt so real and I believe it was. I was stood in a doorway looking out onto a beautiful green green field. When I looked to my right my son was sat on a chair talking to me and smiling. I tried to step outside but I was not allowed. My son looked so relaxed and ok. I think I was given a glimpse in to reassure me that he was ok. I remember the feeling so clear. I still cry everyday for him but I know I will be with him again. This happened in 2013 ,

  • Valerie L. Hailstone

    Thank you to everyone, Reading this has helped me…..I don’t talk to anyone about losing my Son. He was from my first husband. My family now does not feel my horrible pain. Life goes.on for them. I Wouldn’t want them to feel how I feel every single day. I am physically sick most of the time. When I am alone I breakdown and sometimes I wonder if this will be it for me, for I can barely walk, ir even move or think or get my brain to think normal. I get so LOST. My Mother lives with me, she was close to my Son. I of her, she has dementia . So her pain Is not what it would.of been. .Most of the time she forgets I lost my son. She just tells me I look sad over and over. I do not bring it up. Let her dementia spare her this pain At least. So I go thru each day, taking care of my Mom and family. I’m a robot. When I first awake every morning, I sit outside in the quiet, and go thru all those feelings and emotions you all have talked about. Mad , Sad, Lost, etc. The most awful dailey tormenting thing I go thru is … 2000 ways I should of been a better Mother. Why did my son join the military .? Then,, what made him so cold and distant when he got out , he lived on the streets for five years , he wanted to live like that. alone … so sad .. until one night he overdosed. It took them six months to even call me. No knew nothing of his personal life or who he was. he died so alone. than a month ago my brother had a massive heart attack and died. You all know what that did to my mom t.

  • dawn ehlin

    My son would’ve been 24 tomorrow April 26th. He was murdered in 07 he was only 16.. Every year I usually do something..its getting harder & harder each year. We have done the balloon release every year, we’ve done the dinners, we’ve done the pay it forward, I like it to be different every year and I’m running out of ideas.. We are originally from California and now live in Chicago so hopefully some kind of palm tree can live in this cold weather, so I could plant one of them in my backyard. thank you for your blog my daughter sent it to me. I’m sorry for your loss. it’s things like this that help us moms or parents our families get through these tragic times so thank you.