Today I Found His Obituary and My Tears Wouldn’t Stop
Garbage. Garbage. Garbage. I’m cleaning files at my office, and tossing out files from fifteen years ago. It was getting late, and I was grabbing one more pile of papers to toss into the garbage, when I stopped — frozen. I looked. I stared. As I began to read the words my tears began. Tears poured from my eyes. I began to choke on my sobs.
There it was. My son’s obituary from a year ago. It caught me so off guard. I was throwing away old files. How did Mike’s obituary get mixed in with these files? I wasn’t expecting to see his picture. I wasn’t expecting to read those words that made his death so real.
I cried. I cried hard. I cried long. And, I cried some more.
I’ve read thousands of obituaries in my lifetime, but this was my son. I read every word over and over again clinging to each word with hope that what I was reading wasn’t really true. Of course I understood what had happened. But, sometimes we wish so hard that our child’s death was just a very bad dream.
Isn’t it amazing how things can appear to us when we least expect them? Shortly after Mike died his baseball glove appeared in the mudroom when I was sorting through some things. I didn’t even know I had his baseball glove from so many years ago, yet there it was with his name scrawled across it in his unique printing. I slept with that glove under my pillow for weeks after finding it. I wanted to cling to something that was part of him.
I needed to have something that was part of Mike next to me. The smell. The feel. The memories. I needed my son, and this was all I had left.
Child loss is not easy. Nothing about it is okay. Well-meaning friends tell us things like, “At least he’s in a much better place now.” Or, “thank God he didn’t have to suffer. At least he died quick.” Or, “Be thankful you have so many fun memories of times with him. These memories will help you.”
Those of us who have lost a child know these things are meant to help, but in reality not a whole lot helps when your child is gone. As hard as we try, we can’t come up with a reason that makes sense about the loss of our child. Not one reason.
Life eventually gets back to some kind of routine, but there is always that nagging ache within us letting us know that a piece of us is missing. And, sometimes that ache becomes severe such as when I found Mike’s obituary or his baseball glove. Those are the moments that bring us to our knees asking, “Why? Why did my child have to die?”
We know there is never going to be an answer to the question “why?” but in our humanness we will continue to ask until the day we die.
If you have lost a child, then I know you can relate to moments such as I experienced. I know that these “triggers” have caused you to cry rivers of tears, too.
What can we do? Is there anything that will help? For a bit of hope, I urge you to get a copy of Child Loss: The Heartbreak and the Hope. In this book written from the depths of my heart, I share with you some things that are helping me. I want you to have the same kind of help, too. Sometimes it helps just to hear what another parent is experiencing so that you know your grief is normal and not “crazy” as some would tell us.
My love to each and every parent, grandparent, and sibling of child loss. As we travel this journey together, it is my prayer that we will learn how to live within this brokenness called child loss.
Love,
Clara
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22 Comments
Sandy
Thank you Clara
Clara Hinton
Sandy, You’re so very welcome.
verla kellar
Clara, your words are such a help and so very true. i miss my granddaughter, Amber, as much today as i have for the past 15 months and 21 days. i love her more than i have ever loved a child. she owned my heart from the first time i fed her in the NICU when she was four days old. i have a tee shirt and pair of jeans of hers in my closet. i have learned, since losing her, that none of the words help. and how wrong i was in the past to utter them. thank you. vk
Clara Hinton
Verla, Sending you warm hugs — many, many warm hugs. I, too, am a grandmother and I know how close we are to our grandchildren. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your precious Amber. I know I’ve said that to you before, but I just want you to know how much I care. I know how much those jeans and tee shirt of Amber’s mean to you. I have a quilt made from Mike’s shirts, and some nights and just lay my hands over each patch as I remember seeing him wearing each shirt. Life can be so terribly painful. My love to you.
Wendy
Thank you for this post. Just yesterday I too was cleaning out files. My son was killed 5 months ago. I found his shot records, birth & death certificates and put them all together. So ironic all the things we do to protect our children when tragedy can strike out of nowhere and break us wide open. I will never be the same without my sweet 16 year old boy.Somehow I will carry on
Clara Hinton
Wendy, I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a hug. You’re so right. We would give our very lives to keep our children safe, and then one mindless act, one split second accident, one very aggressive illness and just like that all the protection we’ve given our child is gone. It hurts so bad for us as parents to think that we couldn’t save our child. My special thoughts and prayers are with you. Yes, we do find a way to carry on, but it’s different. I feel like I appreciate every small thing in life so much more knowing that at any given moment everything — every one I love — could be gone in the blink of an eyes. In the book I’ve just written I say that we love more fiercely, and I believe we do. We’re not afraid to show every ounce of love we have for those near and dear to us because we know how fragile life is. My many thoughts are with you.
Shelia Allen
Hi Clara, thank you for posting yet another comforting post. We lost our daughter Timi(Timmy), age 9, after 18 chemo’s and 31 radiation and a relapse with cancer 3-9-93, she lived 2 months after the relapse. Our son Whitney age 18 was taken 3-4-05 with 2 of his friends in an auto accident, no drugs or alcohol involved. Whitney graduated at age 17 with an Act score of 30 and a 4 year Presidential Scholarship to a local college. Both were great kids, I don’t feel like I got to know Timi she was so young when she left us, she passed a week before my birthday. Whitney was a so kind and compassionate, he had such a big heart. I feel so alone most of the time, my husband and I just don’t talk about our babies I guess it’s to painful. I’m so thankful I have an aunt that listens when I need someone to talk to, she lost her youngest son one month after our daughter passed. We not only lost our babies we lost friends as well, as soon as I mention my kids people have to go or change the subject and I get so upset but then I stop and think they probably just don’t know what to say. There’s a song some friends of ours sing at church that starts out “Lord roll back the curtains of memories now and then” and I loose it every time I hear it. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us I can relate to every post, it’s like you’re reading my heart!
Clara Hinton
Shelia, I am so sorry to hear of the losses you’ve had. I have so many questions about why things happen in this life as they do. I guess we all those why questions. Whitney and Timi sound like absolutely wonderful, precious children. I can understand the silence between you and your husband — sometimes our pain is too overwhelming to speak of, and this seems like one of those times. I’m so thankful you have your aunt who listens. We each need someone (or a small circle of close friends) that we can talk with on those days when grief seems to yank at our heart strings. I know the hymn you’re speaking of — so many hymns bring tears to me now. Life is so fragile in so many different ways. Child loss opens us up to an entire new world, doesn’t it? Those of us who have had hearts broken by the loss of a child speak a different language. We seem to understand each other — many times without saying very much. We know that inner pain. My special thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing your children. You can share anything you want about them here any time. There will always be listening ears. And, I believe you’re so right. Others who haven’t lost a child don’t want to hear. I really believe it makes them too uncomfortable and it opens up the possibility that this could also happen to them, and that is a frightening thing to think about. My love to you.
Ann M. Hilla
It’s been just over 6 years since My Andy was taken so tragically and I still cannot open up the “memory chest” where the sympathy cards and all that type of thing are kept. It rips my heart out to even think about looking at things from back then. I will listen to my heart on this and maybe I never will go through things….right now, it feels as if I would be re-living a nightmare.
Many thanks to you, Clara, for keeping this site going. You’ve helped countless people. GodBlessYou!
Clara Hinton
Ann, Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your Andy. I know I’ve said that to you before, but it seems like words just aren’t enough sometimes. Always listen to your heart. Your heart will let you know when/if it’s time to open up to those memories that are safely tucked away for now. I thank YOU for simply being yourself — open and caring and so supportive. My love and best thoughts are being sent your way.
Deborah
Yes those words people can say and not realise how much dao they can do. I had my mum say to me and one of my otrr sons (his older brother) that at least my son David chose to end his life so it’s easier than someone who hadttheir child murdered as it was his choice. My son turnef around to her and said “No David didn’t want to die, he tried asking for help”. She also said she can’t understand why im so depressef. It has been 2yrs and 1mth and I don’t think I have even started to grieve. I don’t know how to. He was my baby even at 23. I have no idea how to cope with this and just don’t know if ii can keep going.
Clara Hinton
Oh, my dear Deborah. Sometimes I find it hard to believe what people say to us! I don’t know how they can possibly think things like the words said to you help. I’m so very, very sorry. To lose a child by suicide is a life-long trauma and one that needs a lifetime of love and support. Please, I urge you, to get a copy of my book as I deal with family relationships and there are some specific mentions of losing a child to suicide in the book. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_p_n_feature_browse-b_mrr_3?fst=as%3Aoff&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Achild+loss%2Cp_n_feature_browse-bin%3A2656022011&keywords=child+loss&ie=UTF8&qid=1461081356&rnid=618072011 Even if there’s only one thing in the book that helps you, it will be worth it, but I believe there will be a lot in the book that will help. I’m so very sorry that such harsh words were said to you. In three weeks there will be a “private” online book club for all those who have bought my book to discuss things privately chapter-by-chapter. I think you’ll benefit greatly from that. I’ll give more details closer to the time of this happening. My love to you. Again, I’m so very, very sorry. Please hang in there. There is help.
Gail Vergato
I loss my son at 31 he was my baby. He has been gone for 9 years and I still go through all the emotions you have experienced! People who have never suffered the loss of a child just cant relate to what you feel! I don’t wish it on anyone its more then anyone should bare. I was married for 43 years my husband couldn’t move forward and died at 62 three years after my son. I blessed to still have 2 kids and there babys my grandchildren they give me the strength! Sending Prayers and Loving wishes to you to get through this!
Clara Hinton
Gail, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. And, also for the loss of your husband. Grief is such a tricky “beast”, as I often call it. It surfaces sometimes when we least expect it. I think those of us who are blessed with children and grandchildren are truly blessed extra special. I, like you, find my strength in them. Thank you so very much for your love and prayers as we travel this rugged journey of loss. My love and thanks to you.
Donna Schuler
Thank you for sharing that. It seems like I find “things” as reminders of my daughter, Cherie. It will be three years in July that she passed away from an asthma attack. She had just turned 48. I get that at least she is in a better place or at least I had her for 48 years. That hurts so much. It is never enough time. A parent should never have to bury a child. No matter what age, she was my baby. If you have never lost a child, you just don’t know the depth of our hurt. I feel like I’m not supposed to cry or hurt anymore. I saw on facebook a saying that me cry. “I know you are in a better place, but I am not. That’s the problem.” I wait until I’m alone and then I cry. Thank you so much for Silent Grief. It helps me so much.
Clara Hinton
Donna, I appreciate your comments so very much. I think when children are older very few people have much “sympathy” because they do believe that we’ve had enough time with our child. What you said is so true — we never have enough time! And, it is unnatural for a parent to bury their child. That’s out of the order of how life should be.
I love your daughter’s name — I also have a daughter named Cherie. Sadly, I lost a sister to an asthma attack. Carmella was thirteen when she died. Asthma is often blown off by people as not being very bad, but it’s a terrible illness. I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your sweet Cherie.
I’m thankful that you are part of Silent Grief. I feel as though we are kindred spirits — like a family. My love to you.
Nina Spiegel
Thank you for your words Clara you are so right. I lost my son 14 years ago 6 days from his 24th birthday it still feels like yesterday a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him and miss him with all my heart. My heart still hurts in addition to losing my son 4 months earlier on Christmas eve of 2001 I lost my mom and 6 months after the loss of my son my grandson was stillborn so in 10 months I lost 3 generation’s of family, I know they say life goes on but for me it will never be the same my son was my protector and I so miss his smile. We lost him with no warning he just dropped dead so suddenly. The one thought that keeps me going is the knowledge that one day we will be together again 💕 My Dennis was my everything.
Thank you,
Nina
Clara Hinton
Nina,
I’m so sorry to hear of your many losses. One loss is too many, but to have multiple losses in such a short time span is grief that is beyond the normal. Some people would think that a loss 14 years ago sounds like it’s time that a person would be able to move beyond the pain, but losing a child is so different. I don’t think that we will ever go one day without thinking of our child — I don’t care how many years pass! It’s so hard to stay positive on days when the grief is all-consuming, but you’ve mentioned the one hope that keeps the majority of us going, and that is the thought of being together for all of eternity. My special love to you. Thank you so much for your comments. I love hearing from other parents. I feel as though we are a family that meets together here at this place, and it’s as though our words provide a bit of comfort to each of us as we’re able to share. I know that Dennis is watching over you every day waiting for that time when you can be together again!
Clara Hinton
Nina,
I’m so sorry to hear of your many losses. One loss is too many, but to have multiple losses in such a short time span is grief that is beyond the normal. Some people would think that a loss 14 years ago sounds like it’s time that a person would be able to move beyond the pain, but losing a child is so different. I don’t think that we will ever go one day without thinking of our child — I don’t care how many years pass! It’s so hard to stay positive on days when the grief is all-consuming, but you’ve mentioned the one hope that keeps the majority of us going, and that is the thought of being together for all of eternity. My special love to you. Thank you so much for your comments. I love hearing from other parents. I feel as though we are a family that meets together here at this place, and it’s as though our words provide a bit of comfort to each of us as we’re able to share. I know that Dennis is watching over you every day waiting for that time when you can be together again!
Susie Hall
Clara, love your heart (and all who have faced these days, moments, seconds)! Anticipated occasions that you dread knowing you will collapse with grief often you handle better than the unexpected moments like this. Anticipated or unexpected, all can send you to your knees in grief. People say, ” oh, time will help”, ” you’ll get thru this”. NOPE, it’s been 6 1/2 years. I still have the moments just like this. My daughter, Lisa, is ever present in my mind. A friend who had lost her son told me the grief changes..not meaning it goes away. It changes that you learn not to allow your mind to go to certain thing. You know that the grief can allow you to spiral downward to where there is no return. You to do learn to put one foot in front of the other…knowing that God will help you make the next. If it was not for the Lord, I would not be able to function. I have a hope of a great reunion, but my heart still longs & grieves for her to be here. Even greater is that I grieve for her 2 children for not having their mama who was an awesome mother daughter, sister and Christian.
Clara Hinton
Susie,
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Lisa. I understand so well what you mean about those times when we’re knocked to our knees with unexpected grief. Those times really stink, and I think that will happen until the day we leave this earth. I agree — time does not heal. Time allows us to find more manageable ways to grieve the loss of our child. Again, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. My heartfelt love is being sent your way.
Autumn Williams
I lost my daughter 12 years ago and now I have lost my husband of almost 52 years almost a month ago. I now realize these “little” (ha to put it mildly) I call them “sneak attacks” they can literally bring Me to my knees. With out daughter I got so I could somehow shore up myself for Birthdays, etc but it is the “sneak attacks” anywhere that can drop me. I know the same will happen with my wonderful hubby. Right now I am befuddled and in a haze. I got thru his birthday ((6 days) after he died in a trance and I so remain. So again I am in the web looking for comfort, no bereavement groups over the holidays. Isnt that amjoke when we need them most. Family here over Christmas and they are so grieving too so try to hold up for them but he was m lover for 52 years. Our last day, a friday was wonderfully spent with lunch out and his haunts..lowes and home depot…into hospital for triage at ten am on saturday carried out at 0300 am sunday. Hospital
Did not diagnose and treat kidney stone related septic shock. My hope is that I can spread the word sbout sepsis..which can kill or maim you for
Life with such innucuous things as flu, pneumonia, urinary tract infections, kidney stones, etc. diagnosis and treament is paramount. Please check out sepsis. It could happen to any of our loved ones from babies to our spouses of many years. I hope to be able to really, really, really cry long and hard now as family will be leaving soon and I will be alone and maybe somehow come out of this trance. I know how it was with our daughter and yet the sneak attacks still come and yet again as awful as they are they are reminders of HER. Hugs to all!