• Uncategorized

    What Helps When I’m Missing My Child So Much I Want to Die?

    The first two years after my son died, there was a constant pain in the center of my chest. That pain never let up. I knew that my heart was broken and I also knew that nothing I could ever do would fix this kind of brokenness. In the next few years following that pain began to feel a bit more dull. In fact, it turned into an ache. The ache wasn’t noticeable every minute of the day — especially when I was busy — but at night the ache turned into a throb. Sometimes it got so bad that I pulled the covers over my head and never wanted…

  • Uncategorized

    Every parent of loss needs to tell their story….

    I never knew how important it was for parents of child loss to tell their story until I became one of those parents. If you’re like me, though, finding people to listen has not been easy! I’m sure you’ve heard things like, “that’s too sad”, “you need to move on”, “don’t keep living in the past.” We’ve heard those things time and time again, and yet…..we still feel that empty hole that aches and throbs and ” we need to tell our story.” Sometimes it’s not the pain of losing our child that is the most empty feeling. Instead, it’s knowing that NOBODY is there to listen. NOBODY seems to…

  • Child Loss

    When My Child Died, Part of Me Died, Too!

    Ask any parent and they’ll tell you that they will never forget hearing those words, “I’m so sorry.” Those three words can change a parent’s life and turn their world upside down in a split second. When I heard those words being said to me on the phone about my son I truly believe that in that instant part of me died, too. 

  • Uncategorized

    Going Into the New Year Without My Child

    The New Year has arrived, but it didn’t arrive fresh and new with a clean slate like promised. For me the lingering pain of child loss resides in my heart and has taken permanent residence. I guess I wasn’t expecting the pain to go away; but I was hoping it would somehow feel lighter this year. It doesn’t. 

  • Child Loss,  What to Say to a Grieving Parent

    Stop Saying This to Grieving Parents, Please!

    My heart has been broken, divided, smashed, and left empty by the loss of two children, an infant son and an adult son. I’m still in “recovery” and I will be for the rest of my life. I’ve come to understand that pain is the reality of child loss. At least I know what to expect. What I’m not okay with are the things that have been said to me following my losses! Why do people say these things to grieving parents?  Do they think these comments will help? Do they not take time to think  through what they’re saying? Or do they really believe what they’re saying will give…

  • Child Loss,  Explaining Child Loss,  The cycle of grief after child loss

    Child Loss – What’s It Like Years After?

    My first son was born sleeping twenty-nine years ago.  I was so devastated with grief that I thought I couldn’t live.  I honestly didn’t want to live for several months after this loss.  It has been almost three decades now since little Samuel was born asleep.  What’s it like?  I did a lot of hard grieving for more than twenty years.  I’m talking hard grieving.  I found it difficult to even look at a baby or a pregnant woman, let alone feel joyful.  When Samuel died, part of me died, too.

  • Child Loss,  Feeling Guilty after Child Loss,  Self-Care after child loss

    There is a Horrific Fear of Experiencing Joy After the Death of a Child

    The first time it happened I was only fifteen.  My sister,  Carmella, died at the young age of thirteen.  I went into a state of shock followed by deep, unrelenting grief.  Back then people didn’t openly talk about grief so I was scared out of my mind.  I didn’t know what I was feeling, much less what I was experiencing.  My mother and father were struggling daily with their own grief.  I didn’t know what to do, who to talk to, or when this terrible fear and heaviness would leave. That’s when I began the cycle of self-punishment.  

  • Child Loss,  Symptoms of grief,  Why year two of child loss is often worse

    The Grief of Child Loss Hurts Worse in Year Two!

    Nobody can really explain what the pain of losing a child is like.  It’s a pain that only those experiencing can understand.  Undeniably, it’s the worst pain anyone will ever go through! Naively, I thought the pain of losing my son would feel a lot    better in year two.  Was I in for a heart-wrenching surprise!  That second year knocked me to my knees and left me feeling so empty that I didn’t even know if I was truly alive on most days.

  • Child Loss,  Mother's Day without my child

    Mother’s Day Without My Child

    I marked the date on my calendar months ago.  I’m feeling the pressing ache in my heart more and more with each passing day.  Mother’s Day used to be such a day of celebration, but not any more. This is the second Mother’s Day without my son, and the pain has grown increasingly worse with each passing day.  I keep telling myself that this is just another day, but that’s a lie.  This is Mother’s Day, a day is is supposed to be celebrated.  Instead, I’m facing it with a brokenness that is unable to be fixed!

  • Child Loss,  Explaining Child Loss,  How to Validate Your Child's Life after Death,  What to Say to a Grieving Parent

    “Why Can’t People Understand My Need to Grieve?”

    My son died.  He died suddenly, without warning.  On that warm day in May, the lives of so many people changed when my son’s life on this earth ended.  He was the strong one in the family.  He was the oldest brother and the one that the others looked up to always.  He’s gone and our hearts are broken and life will never be the same again! It is now going on two years since Mike died.  Life has gone on for most everyone except his immediate family.  For us, the pain is real.  The pain is cruel.  The longing for Mike overshadows every day in a million different ways.…