Child Loss: A New, Frightening, Lonely World
This hasn’t happened to me in a long time, but I’m going to share it anyway. I hope I’m not alone in this, but you know what? I’m going to share because I know that grief does really strange things to the way a person thinks.
I just watched a video of a man and his significant other being interviewed about winning the big Powerball. Millions and millions of dollars. They were happy. They were teasing. They were laughing. And, they made the statement, “No more worries. Life is going to be so different now. We can live out our dreams, take care of our kids and families. We’ll never work again. We’re ecstatic!”
And, you know what? I felt mad. I felt jealous. I felt angry. Really, really angry at the unfairness of life! I didn’t at all feel happy for him. And, I guess I’m here to say that I don’t really care that I feel this way. Grief has a way of changing your heart. It really does. We try so hard to be happy for others, but deep down inside there is always this gnawing that says, “Why? Why did this have to happen? I didn’t ask for the moon. I only wanted a regular life. Just everyday, normal life. Why this?”
This blog isn’t so much a personal story as it is a pouring out of my thoughts, sharing my pain, and giving some insights about child loss so that as we gather here together we can get some much-needed support and encouragement. This is a place where we can be who we are and not be judged for it. It’s a place where we can say, “You know what? I’m mad at everybody and everything right now!” and we know that we’ll still receive the support we need.
When my sister Carmella, or “Mellie” as we called her, died we weren’t at all prepared for the way our family as we once knew it would change. Who is ever prepared? How can you ever even imagine what losing a child will be like?
When my sister died, nobody in the house knew how to act. The only ones at home were my mom, my younger sister and me. Mellie died in early June and the first “big occasion” after her death was my sixteenth birthday on June 29. I’ve never really stopped to think how horrible that must have been for my mother and father to try to be happy — even a little bit for me. I don’t even know how they managed to say “happy birthday” to me. I had a younger sister, Ruth, who was only six years old at the time. Maybe they felt they had to continue to breathe because of her. She had no clue what was going on. She only knew that things no longer were fun. The laughter had stopped. And, it would be a long, long time before even a smile would begin to show on our faces.
I remember one specific horrifying incident that happened not too long after Mellie died. My mother wasn’t a person to share her feelings. Ever. You never knew what was going on in her head, so I was clueless about what she was thinking when my sister died. I just know she drank a lot, took lots of pills, and would lock herself in the bathroom, fill the bathtub and cry for hours on end. It was frightening to hear the loud, moaning that would come from deep within her soul. Worse yet was when she stopped crying because I feared she was dead.
Before Mellie died, our family never missed a church service. Three times a week we were at church. We helped start our home congregation and opened up our home on Wednesday nights for Bible study. After Mellie’s death, my dad quit church completely, and it was rare for my mom to ever go. I would call on Saturday nights and ask people from church to pick me and Ruthie up for Sunday school. Never once did they call to ask if we needed a ride. Shame on them! And, I mean that!! Shame, shame on them! I’ve always wanted to tell them to their faces, but they are no longer around or I would! Two young girls asking for rides to church. Really? They should have been calling us asking what we needed! (I guess I’m in a ranting mood today!) 
Our lives felt as drab, broken down, and empty as this old falling down shanty of a house in this picture. We didn’t know how to live any more. And, there seemed to be nobody around who even cared. I think grieving families scare people, and let’s face it, being around deep, heavy grief is no fun.
This one morning my mother was sobbing and screaming and choking as she cried, and I couldn’t take it any more. I needed a parent, but they were so heavy in grief that they couldn’t function. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I sure do now! Anyway, I saw our family Bible laying on the desk where it had been placed ever since Mellie’s death, so I went over and picked it up. Previously, we had daily devotionals at home — never missed a day! My mom was usually the one who would read a story and some verses from the Bible, and then we’d all take part in saying a prayer. That’s how we began our day.
So, in my thinking, if I could just get things back to how they used to be we’d be okay. I picked up the Bible and handed it to my mom and asked her if we could read something from the Bible together. Instead of her reaching for the Bible to read from it, she grabbed it from my hands and threw it across the room! “I don’t want to hear about how good God is today! I don’t want to read anything about God! Not today!! I just want Mellie back with us!”
I’m sobbing as I’m writing this because I had no idea how much pain she held in and how much anger she must have had with God at that time.
Why? Why does God allow such horrible things to happen? My sister had a life of sickness. She couldn’t breathe. It was so scary for her. She died in one of the worst ways a child could ever die. A little girl who had to endure so much suffering. A family who had to stand helplessly by as she struggled for every breath. Of course my mother couldn’t reconcile God’s love with this!
And, I didn’t expect her to. I just wanted life as it used to be. And, that was never going to happen again. Ever. There would always be a void. Mellie would never be at another Christmas. She’d never celebrate another birthday. She’d never sit at our table and eat Thanksgiving dinner with us. She was gone and our hearts were empty.
And, we were full of questions about God and His fairness.
Maybe that’s why I go so angry hearing about that man winning the Powerball. He was happy. He said he jumped up and down when he finally saw he had the winning numbers! Why? Why, I wonder, do things like this happen? One person gets so much, and so many have to suffer so much. Most people are satisfied to live humble lives. Most people are honest, hard-working, good-hearted people. All they want is to live life in a caring way. I truly believe most people are happy with what they have. So, why does something like child loss have to enter the picture and change the sky from sunny to dark? Why couldn’t God just leave things alone?
I’m not going to get into a philosophical discussion today about the goodness of God or how we live in a fallen world. I know He is divine. I know He is good beyond words. I know His love is pure and His power is mighty.
What I don’t know is why children have to die too soon. What I don’t know is why so much suffering comes to innocent children. What I don’t know is why so many people have to suffer so much pain.
I don’t want you to be left thinking that my family stayed angry at God forever. We didn’t. But, the pain remains forever. My mom died at age 57 and I’m sure she died of a broken heart. She was faithful to God in her final years but she was very sick from years of heavy drinking as she grieved the loss of my sister. My dad died alone. He left all family and moved away in the mountains to live away from everyone he knew and had loved. My baby sister has seen so much grief in her lifetime that all she ever talks about is longing for the day she can go “home.”
And, me…..I believe in God. He is my strength. He is the Lord of my soul.
But…..I still don’t get it….the inequity in life is so terrible. So much suffering. So, so much suffering. Sure, I’d love to win the Powerball and never have to worry about money again. But I’ll be totally honest with you. All the Powerballs in the world wouldn’t be worth the joy of living in a complete family again.
That’s all I ever wanted…………
Love,
Clara
If your heart resonated with the words in this blog, then you will benefit by:
Hope 365 – Meditations for a Grieving Soul
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53 Comments
Michelle
Thank you for sharing what I feel also inside. I would give up everything I own to have my son back again or a chance to go back in time and do things differently.
It’s been two months since my son left this earth at the age of 23 and it is so hard to want to stay here without him. Till we meet again Shayne. Love you forever,Mom!
Clara Hinton
I’m so very sorry for the loss of Shayne. This is such a hard, lonely path to travel. 🙁
Katherine
Wow! This really touched my heart.
Clara Hinton
I have a feeling there are a lot of us who feel this way. It sure does hurt, doesn’t it?
auredhead
I would like to press this on my blog, which has been neglected since my son died almost one year ago. Would that be okay?
Clara Hinton
Yes, that would be wonderful if you pressed this on your blog. I think so many of us feel like this, but it’s hard to express our feelings.
auredhead
Thank you Clara.
Katherine
Colleen
Thank you Clara for your touching honestly. We need more people in this world like you……please that don’t just think they can forget the loss of a loved one and make it go away. Thank you for sharing from an adult and a child’s view of how you felt and what you went through. You touched my heart. God Bless you Always and thank you for helping.
Clara Hinton
You’re so very welcome. Sometimes I think we feel like we have to wear our “mask” at all times because others will think less of us if we’re honest. I appreciate your comment.
Tina Marie Stafford Cuevas
Wow well said well said thanks for speaking for all of us friend.
pam
WOW!! This is so close to my heart. Thankyou for sharing.
Rebecca Medrano
Wow claire. I thought I was the only one that has these feelings. I get so angry when people make comments to me about taking too long in my grieving. I have lost 2 sons. I get angry because I feel like its unfair when others have lost none. I ask what have I done so wrong. I wish people would understand I didn’t ask for this burden. I hurt so bad. Sometimes I want to leave this world but my dad is 90 and he needs me. My daughter has already lost 2 brothers. My husband would be crushed so you see whether I want to or not I am forced to live. I cry all the time. I really don’t want to work any more or ben part of society anymore. Safer at home. T.A.P.S. , church and your silent grief helps me keep going. Thank you so much for letting me be part of your group. Yes I was angry with god too but I guess I have special children that he needed.
Donna Adams
This said exactly what I’ve been feeling! Its hard to be happy when you lose a child let alone happy for everyone else whose life is so fantastic. There should be no expectations on someone who has suffered such a loss for a long long time.
Deborah Bazer
I read this with tears in my eyes because I relate to this so much! My life has been a little like this since I lost my daughter over six years ago! I too can not find happiness anymore!
Bridgett
Your story really resonates with me and my experience since my son was murdered almost 2 years ago. My other children have suffered so much and ask me all the time why we can’t go and do the things we did before but I can not do those things anymore. It feels like a betrayal to my son to have one day of joy. Doing those things would no longer bring me any joy. Religion? I left mine behind when this happened along with the people who walked away from us when this happened.
Gloria Luvinmybabies Abraham
i can definitely relate to this as i too w2as heavy into church and now i hardly ever go…
Melanie
Perfectly said.
abbie blueher
after my daughter passed away,i was pregnant 4 months later, and had a nother daughter,11 months after that i gave birth to another daughter,when they were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 i had a major nervous breakdown,during my recovery years, i also paid the devil his dues,alcolhol,drugs,so many attempts of suicide,4 broken marriages,and ive not yet even grieved her death, i dont know how,i feel ur pain and know 1st hand your mothers heartbreak.my thoughts go out to you
Linda Q
I’m so sorry.
Lisa
It is sad, I lost my son in January unexpectedly. He just moved back to Colorado from Florida, so he was living with my mom. I wasn’t there when it happened, they called me in the middle of the night to let me know. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with it yet, you can say I’m still in denial. I always says I wish I could have just oneday with him. He was only 21, he had his whole life ahead of him. I have three other kids, and I know he would want me to be happy for them.
Yonna Skinner
I can SO FEEL you on this….I feel like ANY good thing that EVER happens in my life for THE REST of my life will forever be marred by the fact that SHE IS GONE….MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER (forever 25) and best friend is gone…and true happiness can never be reached again…EVER! TIL I SEE HER AGAIN……
Cheri
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is the first time I have read about your loss. What you do with the page is amazing. I so enjoy the words of encouragement, but mostly I enjoy knowing that I am not alone in how I feel. My son died of a drug overdose on August 20, 2011. He didn’t suffer physically but he was tormented on the inside.
I miss him so much. We were so close and sometimes I just pretend that it isn’t real. I hate when people say you still have two other children. I know that, and I do most of my grieving alone. I am alone, Nick’s dad never had anything to do with him and didn’t even come to the service. Not even a phone call.
I am grateful for you. Like your younger sister, “I can’t wait to go home”
Darlene
I am finding sadness everywhere without looking, but I am trying to help those around me even in my own grief. Like you I am writing my feelings and thoughts sharing with others so that they know they are not alone and they have someone who understands. God is good, and great and his love will carry us through all of the sadness on earth and take us into heaven to be reunited with our loved ones. Each day that goes by is one day closer.
Sherry
Touch by grief that torments, too..lost my only son by suicide on February 17, 2010. My hope is in being reunited with him in heaven. Thank you for sharing your story. Am sharing this with my husband and Mother-in-Law who have not been there the way they could’ve been..making my loss so much hard to deal with.
Sandee Carlisle
I feel such sadness for you Clara. I know the pain you are speaking of. I’ve lost both of my parents, my first husband, my grandson and my son. But what keeps me going is my daughter, my other son, my second husband and my 7 grandchildren. I don’t need the powerball as long as I have enough to pay my bills. I do miss those I have lost, but I don’t dwell on the loss, I love those who are here now. I’m now almost 70 years old. I’m in good health and I find many things to keep my involved…painting, writing, and most of all enjoying the children around me. I don’t know the answer for others, but I don’t feel despair for myself. My roll model is my 97 year old father in law who lost all three of his sons and his wife but he still finds a reason to get up each day and live his life in the best way he can. Give yourself permission to be happy. My son would want me to be happy and I will honor his memory by doing that. Happiness is not something that just happens, you have to make it happen. Please try!
Jackie
I can fully relate to this, we lost an older son 11 years ago on mother’s day, for awhile I refused to celebrate that day in any way, but had to realize I couldn’t keep punishing our other children…now last year, 2012, we lost another son, my heart has been ripped out & shredded into pieces….I have talked to God, I have prayed to God almighty for some understanding…..I cry every day, I am more of a loner than I was before & I have been angry & full of grief!!!! We have 3 more children & I have prayed & begged God to not take another child of ours PLEASE!!! I would surely not survive…..
foreverblue72
Yep, yep. I know this pain well. However; my faith has grown stronger and I’m banking on God’s promise of eternal life with my loved ones who have passed before me.
martha humble
I love your story, you are a great writer with awesome talent, do not quit~!~
Betty shelton
I feel like I am dead inside. I died the day my daughter died.
Emil;y
I was angry with God for giving me a baby who was born with heart problems, a deformed ear, and balls palsy on the left side of his face. I prayed God would take him during his heart surgery so people would not tease and make fun of him. When he passed at 7 months, I was mad at god for giving him to me for such a short time. Since then I have tried to understand how this could happen to my family, I guess I never will. I have tried to get my family to go back to church but without much success, my oldest son no longer believes in god at all, my husband still has a lot of anger. My two youngest just don’t understand at all. I will continue to pray to god to help my family to be whole again, even if my heart is forever broken.
shawa
Its been 24 years since my son died, he too was sick his whole short life of 17 months, so what you said really hit home for me. I wish I could say it gets easier and the questions go away or that people eventually ac normal with you when t comes to the loss…but it doesn’t, and they don’t. Death makes people uncomfortable. And how may of us that have experienced the loss of a child knows someone else that has ??because only someone that’s been thru it can ever truly understand it, right? I see your side and your parents’ side, my second son was born 1 year and two days after the anniversary of our 1st sons death, so I have the day he died then my living sons birthday two days later, every year.
Tonia
I can so relate to this posting… I was feeling guilty last night because I seen that a friend of mine is now pregnant again. I lost my 19 year old son on Jan. 31 of this year and we had the funeral on Jan. 5th. My friend had to give birth to her son that day and he was very premature and died… now she is pregnant again. She is my age, her older son just graduated high school this last year… and now she gets to start over. I don’t get that option, my son is gone and will never be able to be replaced. I hate how hard my heart has become!!! I used to have the most compassionate heart and now I can’t find it!! Why should I make her stay miserable like me? I also hate that I am not the happy mom to my other children like I was before. The sunshine has left our house and we are stuck in a cloud of sadness. I want it all to be different! I want to be happy again!!!
Carol Johnston
Clara…..I would like to reach through this computer to hug you so hard. We will never know the answer to our whys ….until we are with Jesus in all His glory. You dear child are a very special example of God’s mercy. Only He could give you the grace to share you’re journey so eloquently. You are light in such a dark world. I have 2 sons in heaven so I know more than I would like to about suffering.Thank God for the promises of Jesus. Thank God for your courage….Hope we meet in heaven one day….Bless you & you’re heart……….Carol..xo
Carol
If u are interested I will show u the answers for all the suffering and what God thinks of it all including children sick and dying.
Evelyn
I would like to know. I lost my son on July 15, 2013. I have never gotten angry at God for allowing it to happen. I am a firm believer that it was His will, and that my son’s purpose was complete here on Earth. But I would like to know where to go to in the Bible to read specifically about this, You can email me at outreachgirl2004@yahoo.com I would so much appreciate it. And if you put Ken on the subject line, I will know it is from you. Thank you and God bless you,. Peace, Eve
alexarae
I would like to hear what you have to say Carol.
Nancy Moore
Clara, you write beautifully and really put the feeling to words!
I lost my Son in 1995, 18yrs later it still has affected our lives everyday. I had to move from our small town neighborhood.where all the kids grew up together. And everyone’s lives went on. And our’s did too but, with a whole new sadness. Brian had just Graduated. So, no wife, no children, no just coming home for Sunday dinner.
I don’t think I ever didn’t want anyone of them to be happy. I just felt really ripped off.
The one thing I really did feel SELFISH about was 9/11.
I was driving to work when I heard the news, I had my hands on the steering wheel thinging. I my God there are 1000’s of people feeling just like me today. In my head I felt bad for everyone. But , I had such a hole in me. I couldn’t feel as bad as other people.
I honestly am happy if someone young wins the lottery. No amount of money can put my life back together. My Husband has Prostate cancer, no amount of money can take that away!
Thanks for letting me share!
Nancy Moore
Christina
I lost my daughter to cystic fibrosis this past November.. I grieve and cry for her everyday. I can understand your moms pain.. Reading this makes me wonder if I have neglected my other children during my hard times.. Makes me really think if my daughter feels I have let things go. And I have cried many nights in my room as she hears and sees me.. It’s hard to control those feeling I have and the pain I feel in my heart..I can say I ask myself all the time why couldn’t Alyssa’s pager go off and get her lungs and others get that chance.. But all our feeling are normal ad everyone grieves differently… Thanks for letting me share this
Rob
Its been 2 years and 11 months since our nearly nine year old daughter Lauren passed away suddenly from an undetected defect from birth. It was a shock to us and most days I feel no better then day 1. My feelings go from anger to guilt to sadness to depression all the time. I dont really like being around other people because they just dont get it. I put on a fake normal face at work. I find myself wanting to be alone all the time even though I am married and have a younger daughter to raise. I try to focus on her now its really the only reason I am sane and not wandering the streets homeless and alone. I no longer believe in god and if he does exist he doesnt concern himself with this place. We are on our own here.
Rob
Also since my daughter died I find myself angry at seeing posts from come to jesus people and others posting here who have not lost a child and have no clue what they are talking about. I suspect some are just junkies for sad situations in others lives. I say go get your entertainment someplace else.
Arline hall
I can so relate to everything you have said I lost my 16yr old son 2 years ago my life has been devastated so I know the pain your mum would have felt I have so much anger in me still asking the question why my son who never harmed anyone ….he was taken so quick I never had time to say good bye and it breaks my heart part of me died too when I lost him I can truly say I am lost without him my life had changed so much the person I use to be has gone I never go out with friends I spend most of my time with my other children and if it wasn’t for them I would not be here …I have no choice to go on but my son is in my head 24/7 one minute here the next gone and I don’t understand why life is very unfair some of us get all the bad luck and some get all good luck I will never get over the loss of my son he should be here enjoying life with us and all his friends …. Life is cruel I am not one for god if he was good he would never of taken my son from me and left me in pieces Arline xxxx
Sara Wilson
Clara i feel your pain. The loss of your very precious sister completely devastated your family for sure. I am sorry. I lost my very precious son on January 11th this year. He was 21 and had battled cancer since he was 8 so not only did we lose him but we had to watch him suffer for years and years with endless treatments and his life turned upside down. He was subtly and not so subtly excluded from things but still he got up every day and faced the world and tried to join in. A handful of ‘earth angels’ made his life more tolerable but we had to sadly try and protect him from the rest.
Jo Anne Ferguson
Thank you for sharing your story. I too find it difficult feeling happy for others. It will be 2 years August 16 since my son left this earth and it doesn’t get any easier. I keep waiting for life to get better but if anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m tired of feeling angry and bitter but I can’t force myself to feel any different. I have no desire to hear about the wonderful things that happening to others because I’m angry that my son is gone. He was a great kid and sadly he was the victim of his friend who was driving under the influence. Nothing happened to his friend, he didn’t have a scratch on him. He was finally arrested 6 months later and we were in the process of going through a trial when he died of a heroin overdose. He was doing drugs the entire time he was out on bail and his parents just looked the other way & continued to hire expensive lawyers to defend him and keep him out of jail. I’m ashamed to say that I feel nothing! If anything, I feel angry that theres no closure. This ‘friend’ never apologized or took responsibility for his actions. Instead, his parents spent over $200k trying to keep him from going to jail. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I don’t know how to change it. Thank you for opening up your life to us and helping us to feel we’re not alone.
Jo Anne
Clara Hinton
Evelyn, I think you’ve hit on a topic we need to discuss more at length sometime in the future — the way our physical bodies age almost overnight when child loss occurs. We’ve heard the phrase, “I turned gray overnight”, but we know all-too-well that it really does happen when we lose a child. Thanks so much for your comment.
Evelyn
I lost my son on July 15, 2012, at the age of 29. I thank God I have never gotten angry at Him, especially because I don’t know if I could have survived this tragedy without God in my life,
I read about how you felt regarding the man who won the lottery. It reminded me of 28 years ago when my family and I spent a weekend at my sister’s house with her family. Her husband made a lot of money and they lived very nicely. Her husband came down one morning and as always, would find me at their dining room table, quietly reading the Bible. He would always mock me for my beliefs,. That morning was no different. I finally asked him, “Do you mean to tell me that if something happened to one of your children or my sister, you would not pray?” His reply was “No.” .Within six months, his only son, 5 years old, was diagnosed with Leukemia. He remained very sick for the next three years and died,
My point is, that all the money in the world cannot buy health or change God’s will. People hitting the lottery think their problems are solved. No, they’re not. In fact, many of those who have won have had more tragedies than the average guy. So there is no need to feel envy of them. Not at all.
I related in some ways to how hard it became on your family after that, in terms of the emotions, I will never be the same either, And when I look in the mirror, I am shocked at my reflection, I have aged 10 years in only 1. And the pain and sadness is etched on my face. My eyes look dull and sad. There are only wrinkles where a smile once was, My hair has turned almost completely gray. And my heart aches each day even though no one can convince me my son is not in Heaven.
I wish you and your family the best. May God help us all on this journey of grief.
Terri
I used to feel sad that I had only one child, when I lost him I lost all of my children. Now I’m almost glad that I didn’t. I don’t think I could have been there for any other children the way I should have, as you described your mother as being. Or maybe taking care of other children would have let me focus on something other than the grief. I don’t know.
I am not mad at God. I am mad at my son for choosing suicide. I am mad at myself, because surely there is something else I could have done to have helped him. (I have been told countless times that it was his decision, and nothing I could have done could have stopped him. In my mind, I accept this. In my heart, I don’t believe it.)
Evelyn
Terri, my son also took his own life. I never got angry at God, and when I felt myself starting to get angry at my son, I stopped it immediately. Let me tell you why.. My son suffered from PTSD after serving 2 tours in Afghanistan. He best friend who was like a brother, was killed as soon as they got there the 2nd time,. Ken blamed himself for Edwin’s death because he convinced Edwin to volunteer to return for the 2nd tour. A total of 9 men volunteered to go back. Edwin left behind a beautiful wife and children. My son was never able to get over his death, and although it was not his fault, he blamed himself. The PTSD was spiraling out of control, although he managed to buy himself a beautiful home, had a fantastic job, and appeared successful. As I gave it a lot of thought, my son was mentally ill. Who is to say he would not have picked up a rifle one day and shoot up a neighborhood as he continued to suffer from this disease? We have no idea the pain people are in, to the point where they commit homicide on themselves. So please try to find it in your heart to love and honor your son, and not be angry, When they take their lives, they don’t think straight and think they are to the point of no help, no way out of their agony, and that the only solution is the last one they make. I appreciate the life I did get to share with my son and I hope you will too. Much love goes out to you and your family.
Terri
Thank you, Evelyn. The circumstances were very different between our sons, but their suffering was the same. I appreciate what you said. You take care.
Ann
This could be my story. My brother passsed away when I was ten. I lost my parents that day as well. They both turned to drinking and away from each. Now, over thirty years later my son is gone. I wish they were here to give my some advice on how to survive without my child. I wish I was there for them more after my brother died.
Allana
I never wanted to be an angry person. My mother is an angry person. My whole life I lived with her anger and I never wanted to be like that….but since my daughter died I am angry all the time. I had a horrible child hood (abuse of every type) then at 19 I had my daughter and my life turned for the good. She was my light in the dark. Then I got married and had another daughter, and everything was going well. Then she died. Now I am so very grateful for my younger daughter but words cannot express how much I miss my oldest. I went to church as a child, I prayed for him to take me away from all the pain. Things go good so she had to die? I don’t get it.
Jeannette
I got mad at God, yet still needed God. Why did I get the lemon daughter who never quite got it together, never knew how beautiful she was, how talented. She died of Melanoma after successfully beating an addiction. That came out of left field, she was planning her future, feeling hopeful and all of sudden she could not breathe, no mole, no warning like you read about. Just massive Melanoma in the linings of her lungs. She was gone in 3 months, beautiful, no one could believe she had cancer. Chemo/Radiation does not work on Melanoma once it hits the organs. It’s a death sentence. She left two kids motherless at 31 years old. Her son spent his much anticipated 13th (teenager at last) birthday visiting his dying mother. Yes I am still mad. I can’t be happy for others, I can’t help it, I fake it real well, but inside I am teaming with jealousy, resentment, and sadness for her kids. Her kids, the boy is a hot mess, find myself once again praying please God help him, not quite confident in my prayers because of the way things turned out for my daughter…the trust thing is hard for me with God. All the Hope, Dream, Love, Believe plaques make me laugh, just want to toss them all out into the garbage. My favorite quote now is “Just Do the Best You Can.”
rach
I lost my son after carrying him for 6 months. The doctors wouldn’t do anything to help…. My husband and I had to look at him and hold him knowing that all of the plans that we had made all of the 1st holidays and birthdays and the son that we thought we were going to raise were gone in a second. I know that grief takes its toll on everyone different and I know that some people get mad at the world but I will not be that person. There are comments and stories on here that say that they are mad at the world but I won’t be that person. My son would not of wanted me to be that person, and being mad won’t bring him back. God has a reason for everything who knows he may of had more problems than I could of handled later in life I don’t know…. but I personally know that he is in a better place than I am and that brings me some kind of comfort….
~some only dream of angels we have held one in our hands~
jill
My son died 7 months ago in his sleep. He was 13 & went to bed “healthy”… they think he had an undetected virus…. I’m so angry. And I get it what you said about not being happy for people who are happy… I read happy news & I think “whatever! why can’t my son be here?”…. I’m so angry with God. I can’t pray. I miss my son. how can a healthy 13 year old boy die in his sleep???? he too suffered from asthma by the way…. but it hadn’t been acting up….