My son died. He died suddenly, without warning. On that warm day in May, the lives of so many people changed when my son’s life on this earth ended. He was the strong one in the family. He was the oldest brother and the one that the others looked up to always. He’s gone and our hearts are broken and life will never be the same again!
It is now going on two years since Mike died. Life has gone on for most everyone except his immediate family. For us, the pain is real. The pain is cruel. The longing for Mike overshadows every day in a million different ways. Our lives changed permanently when Mike died, and yet………..
Tonight was one of those nights. I went to Monday night yoga as usual, not really feeling any different than I had all day. It was Monday, and time to get back into my work routine. I ran into class a few minutes late, placed my yoga mat down on the floor and began to do the relaxation breathing. I closed my eyes and began visualizing a beautiful beach scene when suddenly out of nowhere………I could feel myself beginning to shake from the inside and then it happened.
When each of my children were born I studied them for a long, long time. I ran my fingers across the tip of their noses. I grasped their tiny hands into mine and looked in awe. I slid my fingers ever so gently across their heads leaning down and smelling that newborn baby smell. I loved how each of their tiny feet fit into the palm of my hand. These are just some of the things I’ll never forget. A love as deep as a parent’s love wants to soak up everything about our child. We even study the pores of our child’s skin!
As our children grow older, we continue to love them with this same intensity — maybe even more if that’s possible. We know the way their lips curve into a smile. We know the look that comes right before the tears. We know the sound of their feet skipping across the floor.
As parents we never forget the smallest of details that make our child uniquely ours.
When child loss occurs, there is often chaos within the family unit. Nobody knows what to do or say. Everybody knows that each person is suffering. But, no words are spoken. Why? How do you even begin to communicate within a family when everybody is in shock and grief? This radical miscommunication often leads to the breakdown of a family and that’s just what we want to guard against.
If you’re like me, one of the most difficult things for me to hear is how quickly life has gone on for others following the loss of my son. I want to know others are feeling some of my loss. I need to know that others still remember my son. I want so desperately to know that others still think of him.
And, yet the fact is that life has gone on very quickly for most.
Any way you look at child loss it ends up being the same. It hurts like nothing else in the entire world. We get to the point of where we think we just cannot go on any longer because we miss our child so bad. Others try to help us. They try to do everything in their power to take away our pain, but really there’s nothing that anyone else can do to “fix” this hurt. Child loss is the “unfixable” loss.
Have you ever noticed how much people clam up and will not mention a child’s name when child loss has taken place? To bereaved parents, this is one of the biggest hurts of all. What we need — what we’re wanting so desperately — is to know that our child has not been forgotten! Hearing our child’s name spoken is the sweetest name we can ever hear!