“Child Loss Changed Me Overnight and I Don’t Like the New Me!”

We’ve all heard the expression that a person turned gray overnight. Well, I didn’t turn gray overnight when my son died, but I turned into a different person — a person I don’t always like. Yes, my physical appearance has changed. When I look into the mirror the twinkle in my eyes isn’t there. My hair doesn’t shine any more. My skin has a strange color — dull, and has lost elasticity. In a word, I aged overnight. That’s what a broken heart will do!

I can learn to live with the physical changes of child loss. I’m taking vitamins and I’m drinking extra water. My hair gets colored more often, and I use layers of moisturizer on my skin. My eyes — well, I’m not sure that the twinkle will ever return. I know one thing. I have bags under my eyes that I never had before. Those bags should be called “tear bags” because I really think that’s what they are. I can feel them now as I’m typing. The tear bags are so full they’re ready to explode into one of my daily crying spells.

Worse than the baggy, dull eyes and the wrinkled skin are the emotional changes that have taken place within me.

I don’t even know who I am since my son died!

I used to be patient and kind to everyone. I used to be so tolerant of others. I used to laugh and find joy so many times throughout the day. I used to love holidays and parties and social gatherings. I used to love meeting new people and going to new and different places.

I used to love life, but now I find myself merely existing on many days!

So often, I’m short tempered with people. I can’t tolerate little meaningless nuisances. Far too often I open my mouth and speak before I think. Oh, how much I hate that about the new me! I find it hard to laugh, and when I do it almost feels like a fake laugh. I used to love watching little children playing, and I’d listen to them for hours on end, always finding so much joy in them. Now, about an hour is about all I can handle before it feels like my head is going to explode.

What’s wrong with me? Why have I turned into this person that I don’t really like? When will I become the old me again?

As I’m traveling further down this road of child loss, I’m finding the answers to many of my questions. I’ll never be completely the old me again because that person died when my son died. I remember the moment when the life went right out of me. I was gasping, screaming, sobbing and wishing myself dead when I heard the words that no mother ever wants to hear. I fell to the floor, throwing the phone out of my hands and I truly believe for a moment in time I died. My spirit left me.

That is the exact moment I felt my heart break.

There is no fixing a broken heart. Ever. There is a daily struggle trying to figure out how to live within the pain of this brokenness. As I struggle to find out how to do this, emotions surface that I never felt before. My God, I’ve never died before and had to figure out how to come back to life again! It’s hard! It’s painful! There are days when it feels absolutely impossible!

But, I’m trying. And, I will continue to try. I might not get it right all of the time. In fact, I might not get it right most of the time.

But, I’ll keep on trying.

Love,
Clara

****If you connected with this writing in any way, then you will be certain to connect with the books I’ve written since the death of my son. Please get a copy of the book “Child Loss – The Heartbreak and the Hope” and “Grief 365 – Daily Meditations for the Grieving Heart.” These books contain the innermost thoughts of my life. Won’t you join me on this journey of grief as we try to figure out together how to live within the brokenness of child loss?

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56 Comments

  1. I find the more time that passes the more I want people to leave me alone. It is not that I sit and wallow and cry all day ( though I do cry every day) It is just that I do not feel like the “old” Karen and I do not think I will ever get back there. On top of that I now have a husband with Huntingtons and now I look back I can see he had it even 10 years ago but it he has become worse in the last 2 years since our son died.

    1. Karen, I think that a lot of us “bereaved parents” find that we want more alone time now. I find many days I can’t wait to get home (alone) whereas the old me was constantly interacting with people, laughing, enjoying the company of others. Grief tries us, and it tires us. And, for sure, it changes us.

      I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with an ill husband, too. That definitely has a bearing on grief. I’m so very sorry.

      1. That’s exactly what I’m going through, It’s such a difficult journey. But from holding my cry I must be getting all these symptoms of ailing, I seem to can’t eat as much as I use to, don’t pay attention as much as I use to, sitting down with my face on my phone and play games or read through Facebook. My smiles and laughter fell so fake to me at times. I’m always tired from crying inward. I choke when I eat, my throats gets numb when I choke and it makes me don’t want to eat anymore. But, I think I need to try a little harder, to move on with my life, it’s been two years in October and my life isn’t as good as the first. My home is always filled up with my children and grandkids daily and I seem to block them out when I’m on my phone too much. I hurt when I don’t pay attention to them as much as I do my phone. I’m getting my first help on the 27th of December by behavioral health and I sure hope it helps me. I also want my family in this and will request it on my first day. My prayers are with you all with child loss. Hugs

        1. Cynthia, You’re practicing something very common when we don’t want to be hurt any more — grief avoidance. If you occupy yourself with your phone, then you can avoid the pain of grief. The physical symptoms are definitely due to repressed grief. I’m so glad that you’re going to be getting some guidance and grief help. That’s going to make a world of difference!

    2. That sums it up exactly. The “tear bags” really hit home with me. I thought that, but so glad to have it confirmed.

    3. I lost my daughter It will be 6years this May I’m going thru the same as you everything you going thru so am I since my daughter died I’m not living im existing thank you for your story I know that I’m not alone

  2. Losing a child is just not something anyone was prepared for. It’s been almost 2 years and the pain is still just a fierce as the day she died.
    I get up do the things you have to do and that only. It just takes too much energy to want to do anything. Even my pets can sense the change in me.
    May God keep his hand on each and everyone who has faced this.

    1. Sande, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. You’re so right — even our pets realize we’ve changed. My doggie knew when I was hurting so bad inside — he wouldn’t leave my side and even wanted to lick my tears. This is a pain that we can’t hide. It is part of us forevermore.

  3. Oh how I understand this!! We lost our 17 year old son around a couple of weeks before you lost your son. I don’t even know who I am anymore and more often than not I don’t like who I am now either! The pain is more than a person can take! Thank God He is there holding us up!! I look forward to each time you write as I find strength in them. Thank you for writing!

    1. Leah, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. It leaves such a huge, gaping hole in our hearts, doesn’t it? If I didn’t have friends, family, and a God who is bigger than this pain I don’t know how I’d carry on, either.

      My love to you. Thank you for your kind comments.

  4. Lost my daughter twenty yrs ago and my son 15 both to cot death..find this time of yr the guilt is instense and struggle to get in chistmas mood with the shopping and that..hugs to all xoxo

    1. Joanne, Oh, my! I’m so very, very sorry. Please take special care of yourself during this time of the year when our grief seems to run out of control. Sometimes we just need to stop, take a long deep breath or two, regroup our thoughts and rest for a while. My thoughts are with you. Again, I’m so very, very sorry.

  5. I’m a completely different person from who I used to be. Like you said, no longer do I enjoy interacting with people. Then there is the expectation of family and friends that you should be your “old self”. I just feel so detached from other people when once I was a social butterfly.

    1. Crystal, It sounds like you and I have a lot in common. I, too, feel the pressure of meeting the expectations of others. I was always the planner, the person who organized the party, invited guests, and made sure everyone was having a good time. Now…..I’m too mentally and physically exhausted to even think about that. We certainly do change following a loss.

  6. I find I can’t tolerate people fussing about stupid stuff when I’ve been thru such tragedy . I have lost both of my sons and I don’t know what to do with myself so I know people around me don’t know sometime I think if someone could just hold me tight and just say your gona be OK that I wouldn’t fall to pieces.i love and miss my sons every single minute of every single day

    1. Tammy, Oh, how much I understand what you’re saying about being intolerant of fussing over the small things in life! I feel myself holding back — so many times I want to shout out to people and say, “You don’t know what real pain is like until to lose a child!”

      My heart hurts with you over the loss of your sons. I’m so very sorry.

      1. Oh how I understand that one! I get so angry when people complain of the stupid stuff… I just want to scream at them “Try burying your child and then we will talk about real pain and suffering! “

      2. With all the Christmas stuff I want to shout at people ” shut up, just shut up” I don’t want to hear it. All the family celebration times more or less ended when Dan died. My dh and I found that everyone else changed their plans and before then the celebrations were at our house and then instantly it wasn’t. We do not even put up a Christmas tree or decorations now. There is no point. Last Christmas Day we were alone apart from a friend who stayed overnight on the way home from visiting a terminal relative. My dh and I are so alone. The few friends we have left live in different places to us and one of our children lives in another country and the other does not live close by. We are alone 95% of our time.

  7. Thank you for this article Clara – it is so true. I too want to be left alone more often too. I struggle to find any meaning in my life – this fifth year has been the hardest yet – I guess the realty has finally hit me. My only daughter was killed in a head on collision and four days later my husband was ambulanced to ICU and three weeks later he died. The two people who my everyday life revolved around gone in a month – then so much changed. Don and I were married 34 years but his family disappeared from my life, my two older sons rarely call or come around, our house was foreclosed on. How do you go on – I look for hope and gratitude for what I have but I feel I am faking my life. I don’t feel happy or that I genuinely smile at anything. Its a struggle every day.

    1. Lois, The reality of loss is so hard on us. That’s the time when we have to meet our pain head-on whether or not we’re ready. I cannot imagine the hole left in your heart by the loss of both your daughter and your husband.

      I’m so very sorry about all of the other losses that came about, also. That’s an awful lot for one person to go through. I hope you’re being extra kind to yourself. There are times when life just doesn’t make much sense, and this is surely one of those times. Holding you close in thought and prayer.

  8. I Feel exactLy the same it has been nine years i lost my 33 year old son. At xmas of which i cant stand now,as also have no family
    Left So i can,t wait for xmas to get over with and i can never say merry xmas to sanybody now and cant listen tho xmas carols ,so dont go shopping centres

    1. Joan, I’m so very sorry. I’m sure this season of Christmas has lost most of the happy meaning for you since losing your son. Just an idea I’m throwing out to you — some hospitals have what’s known as “huggers” for babies who don’t get any visits. I wonder if volunteering to do something like this might help you to manage to get through the holidays a little easier. If I didn’t have family around, I’m sure that’s what I would be doing. My arms ache to hold a child. I think being a hugger might help to get you through the terribly lonely holidays. My love to you.

  9. It’s almost been 2yrs since my son passed and the more time passes doesn’t change the way I feel. I feel helpless and completely alone.. yes I have my husband and other children. . But I just want to be alone.. it’s easier that way.. my husband ask me to explain my feelings but I just cant.. I feel as all my old friends look at me and feel sorry for me..and knowing that I don’t want to bring sadness to everyone. ..

    1. Paula, Right around the two-year mark is when the grief seems to get worse. It’s just terrible. This is when everything becomes so real to us. It sounds like you have a caring husband and some caring friends which is so good. Maybe plan a short time together with your friends — even if the only thing you can do is cry. It’s important to let them know how much their love and support means to you. I hope your grief becomes more gentle in the months ahead.

  10. Clara, you described exactly how I feel perfectly. My only child, Kyle, was killed by a drunk driver at 6:20 a.m. on 11-6-2015. He was only 26 and left behind a now seven year old son. Some days it’s even difficult to breath. He was an amazing son, father and friend. Days just blend into one another. We get Carson, Kyle’s son every other weekend and those times are when I smile. Carson is the spitting image of his father. It breaks my heart that Carson will only remember his dad through us. I miss my boy beyond words. We did so much together and everything we do now, I’m always thinking “Kyle should be here”. So many times it hits me like a 2×4 that he is really gone. I would not wish this pain upon anyone.

    1. Kelly, I had to take a long, deep breath just reading this. Such an unfair loss. So terribly wrong. Oh, how much I wish people would drink AT HOME and stay off of the roads when they are drinking! We, as parents, are never prepared for a tragedy such as this. Never!

      As terribly sad as this is, I’m so thankful you have Carson and your Kyle can live on through his son. One of the hardest things for me is seeing my son Mike’s three children be fatherless. They were so close to Mike — they did everything together. They live over a thousand miles away from me, so I only get to see them a couple of times a year, and like you, my every thought is, “Mike should be here for this. Mike should be the one taking his son for his license. Mike should be the one at the father/daughter meal. Mike should be the one riding bikes with the kids.” Oh, how wrong life is sometimes!

      My love to you. I’m so very, very sorry.

  11. It’s been two years since I lost my daughter she was 36 just two before her birthday.I find myself just going through the motions every day I don’t enjoyed things I use to my husband has not really help me in anyway through the my gieft I have so many emotions bottle up I really have had no one to talk to since Teresa die I just feel alone

    1. Linda, Feeling alone after loss is one of the hardest things of all to deal with. It’s so vitally important to have some kind of ongoing support system, and if we don’t we kind of get lost by the wayside in the entanglement of grief.

      I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter, Teresa. It is my prayer that someone will reach out to you, and walk with you through this sad, difficult journey of loss. In the meantime, we are here to listen and to care. My heartfelt prayers go out to you.

  12. I lost my son, my only child at 21 yrs old on 12/31/10. To this day, I do not get out of my pajamas unless I have an appointment not shower unless my husband says I am gross smelling. I have had counseling. I take medication. It worse as time goes on. I,misd him THAT much. He was so awesome and kind and wicked funny. My health is failing badly as well. I never got justice for him. His POS father kept all,his ashes, his car, everything. Yet I did everything with him. And please do not tell me to lean on God. I have problems with Him ATM that only I can solve. How do you take a families 2 brothers, the father, the only son, now have the mother suffer over that loss and physically? And her mother suffer over her LOSSES and now be taking care of her other daughter who has lung, liver, brain, lymph node, and adrenal cancer!? Where is that merciful!!?? I feel like our whole seed must be wiped from the Earth!!! But you write eloquently and I am so sorry for you and everyone else who is in this group we are in that has no,name…..

    1. D, There are times — many, many times — when I have no words, only prayers and questions to our Father in heaven. I don’t know why life has handed you such a tragic lifetime of circumstances. None of us can understand the injustices in this life. I can only say that I sit in the ashes with you and a portion of my heart breaks with you. I’m so, so, so sorry for all the pain that has entered your life.

  13. My heart aches for all of you over your relentless grief.
    My lovely son died in April of cancer, leaving a wonderful wife and beautiful 3 year old little girl. This year has brought us to our knees and we are all heartbroken beyond measure. I identify so much with wanting to be alone with my grief, it feels safer that way. I Will not be partaking in anything to do with Christmas this year as we barely have the energy to get through each day. I still don’t know how I will survive this tragedy. xx

    1. Linda, Oh, how my heart aches with you!

      Each day is so terribly hard when our hearts feel that special “ache” — the one that reminds us constantly that our child is not here. We hurt from the inside out. It’s a pain that can’t even be explained. I understand about not wanting to celebrate Christmas. It’s almost beyond our thinking when we’re in such deep pain.

      I think we parents of child loss are among the bravest, my courageous souls on earth. We have to learn how to breathe again, and that’s not easy. My love to you!

  14. Thank you for sharing this. Having been only a little over 3 months since my son died it is very reassuring to read things like this and feel validation from what I am feeling. I have become hateful and pessimistic and quite frankly a little bit crazy. My memory and attention span are shot and my interest in life is almost non existent. I can’t stand the person who I’ve become in this short period of time and I can’t stand living every day without my son here.
    Your words are true and encouraging. They hit home for me. Thank you for sharing. God Bless!

    1. Mary, I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. Oh, how much we each need to hear some encouraging words along this journey! I’m so forgetful, too, and my mind feels all fogged up — can’t remember who told me what or when, and when I do remember it’s only part of what I should remember. It’s because even our minds are hurting. Everything hurts. We’ve been given such a jolt to the heart, and it takes a long, long time to get turned upright again. And, even then, we’re never quite the same.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.

  15. During a time my daughter and I were estranged, her wonderful 19 year old son was killed by a stupid driver. She was and is still, devastated. Her behavior contributed to estrangement again, and I feel her pain… I lost my favorite grandson, and now I have lost my daughter again. I feel so empty, as I cannot grieve with her. Not for our Tyler, not for her empty, torn apart heart. So, I stay silent, grieving alone,,, for the loss of two.

    1. Oh, Jennifer, I’m so very sorry! Grief is so complex and takes its toll on families. I’m going through some things right now with some of my children that I never thought possible. They’ve pulled away — and it’s heartbreaking. As you said, it’s like experiencing loss all over again. I just attribute it to grief and the complexity of know how to live with it. That doesn’t make the pain in our hearts any softer, but it helps explain it just a little bit.

      I’m so very sorry for the loss of your grandson and for your daughter who has withdrawn herself from you. I pray so sincerely for this relationship to be restored. My love to you.

  16. My 34 yr old daughter committed suicide 6 yrs ago on Oct 12. She was a beautiful single mom of a 9 yr old & 2 yr old twins. Her dad & I were divorced at the time,he lived in another state, her own father never even went to his only child’s funeral. It’s been 6 years since I have put a Christmas tree up,she always loved Christmas. I thought this year in memory of her because she loved Christmas I would put a tree up, I started tonight putting a fake tree up but can’t finish to the top of the tree, I’ve lost the will to do it now. I thought after 6yrs I could function but I am in the same pajamas for the 4th day. I sit all day with my dogs,I love them. I will never be the same, my life stopped when hers did,she took my heart to heaven with her. They say you will get over it in time but I know I never will. I used to care about my looks & I don’t anymore. I miss her beautiful smile, the laugh that only she could laugh, the party never started until she came in the room. Everyone loved her, I couldn’t believe the people at her funeral,they were standing outside. She had such pain, she would make a remark about killing herself & then say, I was only kidding. I had her go to a Dr but she wouldn’t open up. I’m so depressed & want her, I have gone for help but it hasn’t helped. I love her so much.

    1. Judy, There are times when words seem so hollow and this is one of those times. We never understand the mind of a child who takes their life. We try, but the answers just aren’t there and we grieve inside so deeply that our very soul hurts. If only…..if only we could have sensed the pain and done something to ease it.

      I’m so very sorry that you couldn’t finish the tree this year. I pray that you will feel a bit of strength from starting the tree. I think that took such great courage! Oh, how happy your daughter must be right now to see you take that step! I wish you had someone who could help you finish the top part of the tree as a wonderful tribute to that beautiful smile that your daughter had. Maybe next year.

      Depression is so hard to deal with when our hearts have been broken so deeply. I am holding you close in thought and prayer and hope that you can actually feel the prayer being said for you right now. I will continue to pray, Judy. That you for your lovely comment and for sharing part of your heart. My love to you.

  17. I am so glad to hear I am not the only one who can’t get out of bed or doesn’t shower or change out of my pajamas unless I have an appt either. I have never struggled so much with doing the simplest of daily activities like brushing my teeth. I miss my son so much it’s all consuming, even 3 years later.

  18. Our Dan was gone 2 years this past October also. It is excruciating and I still cry every day.
    When he passed away our daughter was 6 months pregnant with her first child. It was such a balancing act over the 15 days he was in the hospital making sure I kept her stable as I could for her and the baby’s sake. Then came along Kobin. He does not look like his uncle Daniel but my word he has his personality. Having him has been the only joy in our very sad lives and we can’t get enough of him. Now he has a new brother- Deon- aged 2 weeks. He has dark hair like his Uncle Daniel ( and us his grandparents) . Our son’s full name was Daniel Kenneth Reon and hence comes Deon’s name– D from Daniel and eon from Deon. It is real precious to us as Reon is also my middle name. Our other son in Australia named his son who is now 10 months old Tainui ( Tie-nu-e. It is Maori from NZ) Daniel Kenneth. Our children ADORED their younger brother – there was 14 years between Dan and Kirk and they were great mates- and honoured him and us in naming their children. I have never blamed God for Daniel’s accident or his passing away. 8 days before he died he gave his life back to Jesus and I know in my heart that a battle went on for our boy’s soul as it was the only day he was alert and coherent and because of his injuries he never should have been. God won. I can honestly say Job 1 vs 21- the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

  19. After reading this, this is me. 8 years and this year is the worse. I used to give my heart away now I write people off like its a bad hair day. I have not spoke to my Mom in 8 years. I’m suppose to remarry my husband next week, and I don’t want to. The only love I will ever miss is for my children. I’m struggling and I know I’m on a verge of a breakdown. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I just want to run away. I have a special needs daughter that is out of control and runs our life. Is it ok for me to go away by my self?????

    1. Catherine, It sounds like you have WAY too much on your plate right now. I can only “suggest” to you what I’d do in a situation such as yours, but I’d seek professional help before making any more decisions. If you don’t feel like remarrying your husband, then don’t. At least not in your current frame of mind. If you feel like you’re on the verge of a breakdown, please call your doctor and seek advice from someone who knows you. That feeling of wanting to run away is something most of us struggle with from time-to-time and it’s usually associated with burn-out. It sounds like you need help with your daughter who needs so much care. Being a caregiver is one sure way to experience burnout both emotionally and physically.

      Is it okay to go away by yourself? What is your plan? How long? Will you rest? Will that really solve any problems? Or, is that something that in the end will cause additional guilt and exhaustion? If it was me, I’d pick up the phone and call my doctor, make an appointment and go from there. I’d try to get extra rest (you sound exhausted and it’s no wonder!), and call somebody for help with the day-to-day care of your daughter until you can find some long-term solutions.

      I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. Please, please take care!

  20. I agree with everything you said. Since my daughter, my only child passed, so many thoughts go through your head, especially, why why why…everyday is a struggle. I just exist now until my journey is over…I can’t wait. It’s been 3 and a half years and my heart still feels like it’s in a meat grinder on high without an off switch. I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be outgoing, now I keep to myself. I don’t celebrate holidays, it’s too hard. I like to be alone. The anxiety has calmed down but I still get those waves out of nowhere. I don’t cry as often, but I’m never happy either. My happy now lives in heaven. Much love and light to all us hurting moms.

    1. Debbie, I’m so very sorry. I “get it” about living in that “in-between place” — not crying all of the time, but never really happy. Our thoughts change so much when we have a child living in heaven. That’s all we can think about — that moment when we will be reunited again.

      My love to you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes we just need to hear from one another that we’re not crazy — that grief really and truly does change us.

  21. I can relate to everything in the article. So man times I would like to slap people. They think because you are not wearing your heart on your sleeve, you don’t hurt inside. Grief is the worse thing anyone can ever try to tolerate.

    1. Jean, Oh, how much I understand what you’re saying!!

      I’ve let go of the frustration of trying to explain to others how I feel inside. I think I’m reconciled to the fact that the majority of people simply won’t begin to understand. It’s too exhausting and too toxic for me to try to explain to others.

      Instead, I have a circle of close friends and family who “get it” and I can share my heart and soul with them.

      You’re so right — there is nothing to compare to this type of grief. Absolutely nothing! 🙁

  22. It will be 3 years since my sons death… the day after my husbands birthday and right before mothers day. Like the others, I prefer to be alone. It feels like I’m just surviving, not really living any more. My son loved the winter holidays so much. Now it’s a chore to even put up the tree.

    When I work and interact with patients and coworkers I can’t wait for the day to be over. When I try to talk about my son, others behave awkwardly and I’ve heard many people question whether or not I’m capable of performing my job.

    I often cry when I’m alone, post “healing hugs” on my facebook that only I can see. Just knowing there are other mothers out there feeling the same way helps. Thank you all for sharing your grief and acceptance of others feeling the same.

    1. Dear Deb, First of all I’m so very sorry for the death of your son. There is nothing to compare to the loss of a child. 🙁

      It’s really, really hard to find our place — even a small place — in life following the loss of our child. Every day can present it’s own set of inner struggles and pain.

      It seems like after just a very short time, there is an expectation from others to hurry and get on with life. I’m extremely selective with who I share my feelings. I know that not everyone is going to give me the support I need.

      I hope in the days and months ahead you’ll be able to find a place of peace for yourself. That’s so important! I’m finding that as I take walks in nature I’m able to shed some of the heavy, heavy grief that has been so exhausting. I hope and pray you’ll fine your place in life that feels “comfortable” once again. My love to you. Thanks so much for your comment.

  23. My daughter Tiffany has only been gone 5 months… the pain has been unbearable. I say quite often …. I miss the old me… I used to be so carefree.. happy… enjoying life so much. Now I thank God everyday for bringing my new husband into my life. We met just a year & half before Tiffany left me. I had been divorced for almost 10 years. Without him I wouldn’t have anything to be happy about. Somedays it’s still a struggle to in the moment & be happy. Quite often I’m just staring off into the Heavens still asking..Is she really gone? I often avoid talking to my sister whom I was very close to because I can’t hear the stories of her girls & what’s going on in their lives… I hate it that I don’t want to hear that anymore but I don’t.. they wanted us to do a girls retreat for my daughters birthday coming in April… there is no way I could do something like that. I can’t even phathom her birthday coming up let alone going to Vegas without my husband & celebrating. I just want to hide in a closet that week Just a crazy woman ranting. God Bless us all on this journey of grief

  24. As I look back to four years ago today I have come a long way. I was unsure if I was going to make it. I always said losing a child is similiar to having a stroke meaning I had to learn how to do everything without him. I am still learning and adjusting. I ciuld do without the anxiety that takes a toll on me. Hopefully, I will be able to do something nice for myself today.

  25. My son has been gone going on 12 years… it doesnt get any easier!!! I just learn to pretend better that im ok. I will never be ok again… i lost him at 13 from a car accident and had 2 other boys at home 9 and 10. I stood up enough to raise the other boys into wonderful men alone because their dad left 6 months after their brother died. But now their both raised and on there own and its getting to me worse. I keep myself busy so my mond isnt dwelling but most days i dont like anyone when i use to like everyone…..im so sorry anyone else ever has to live in this pain…

  26. I find myself everyday at a loss of what is appropriate for me to feel. I lost my 6 yr old step son last March. We just celebrated what was supposed to be his 7th birthday yesterday and in a few short weeks we will have survived the first year. I loved and treated him as my own child from 2 years old. His mom even treats me as one of his parents. I hurt so much but I can’t express it around my husband or his exwife. I don’t want to express pain more so than they do. Having my own babies I know the pain is much greater no matter how much I loved him. I have no idea how to do this.

  27. My son turned 18 on December 4 2016. He passed away in early Christmas Day of the same year. We still haven gotten the autopsy report. We’re holding on ti God’s promises and we’re just living a day at a time. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. Although we have 5 more children, not having him around is so hard. I sometimes don’t want to talk with people who haven’t experienced this and I prefer to talk to who have. I’ve only met two. Would love to join all of you in a support group!

  28. I lost my beautiful baby granddaughter five months ago. She was the light of my life, my heart, and now my heart is broken into jagged pieces. I am crying twice, once for me and again for my son and his wife. I will always wonder what Railee would have been. I am a changed person forever and can relate to this so much.

  29. Like any mum I never even thought of loosing my child, it was impossible, my son was invincible, funny, charming, beautiful and so very precious. Daniel had just turned 29 when he was murdered in September 2016. The re trial is in October 2017. I get upset when Im on my own, I have counselling but I cant grieve properly its like a shutter has come down in my mind and wont let me think about it too much. My soul and heart are broken, my chest is heavy and I think of my son all the time we were so very close. I really dont know what to do without him.